How to Navigate Dating in the Digital Age

Dating frustrations and a lack of motivation to swipe on apps are common themes I hear in sessions. The days of chance encounters, exchanging phone numbers, and feeling genuinely pursued seem to be fading. Instead, the dating landscape has shifted to apps, which feel like an online directory of singles in your proximity, and often, complicates the process. The constant awareness of alternatives, the seemingly endless options, and the addictive cycle of swiping and seeking novelty makes it challenging to break away and form deeper connections.

In today’s digital age, where first dates often begin with app interactions, the sense of the unknown is heightened, fundamentally changing how people relate to and converse with each other during early introductions. People are connecting and interacting with partners they might never have encountered within their own social networks, which can lead to communication concerns, fear of awkwardness, and uncertainty about mutual attraction. A common human response to discomfort is the inclination to seek control, a tendency that often influences and inhibits modern early dating. The nature of first dates is inherently stressful, and is often perceived as a performance rather than an opportunity for connection. The pressure to manage social impressions, the fear of rejection, and the high expectations individuals place on themselves only intensify this stress. However, shifting your perspective from viewing a first date as a social performance to seeing it as an opportunity for connection and self-discovery can be transformative. In my conversations with clients, I often emphasize that first dates are a chance to learn more about oneself and their relational values, reframing them from a performance into an opportunity to embrace and authentic experience and redefine their relationship with control.

Modern Dating: What is in your control vs. not in your control

Remember you are only responsible for 50% of the relationship dynamic so much of dating involves tolerating the unknown and uncertainty.

• What is in your control:

  • Who you choose to go on a date with

  • What you decide to wear

  • What you decide to share with your date

    • Your life is your story and you are the narrator

  • What you decide to order or do on the date

  • Your perspective

  • Your boundaries

  • Your initiative

• What is out of your control

  • Your date’s feelings and actions

    •   Instead of spending energy trying to interpret how your date feels about you or how they are perceiving you, observe and acknowledge how you are feeling on the date.

      • Are you having fun? Do you feel connected? Are you curious about this person? What would you like to learn about this person?

  • Compatibility

  • Communication styles

  • Past life experiences

  • External factors

    • Family dynamics, job demands, social life can all impact a relationship

  • Timing

    • Sometimes people date to go “through the motions” without being intentional or ready for a relationship.