How to Navigate Challenging Relationships

As the autumn leaves descend and winter’s crisp embrace sets in, many of my clients begin to talk about their upcoming holiday plans and preparations for reuniting with loved ones. Although social media posts will create an illusion that the holidays are always festive and joyous occasions; our feelings and experiences often unveil a different narrative. There may be a feeling of emptiness as another year passes, leaving a sense of stagnation or unfulfillment, or a feeling of anticipatory dread by the prospect of navigating challenging relationships during the holidays or in general. In this guide on how to manage difficult or conflict-ridden relationships, one thing to remember is: No matter how critical or volatile someone may be, you always get to choose your response, and I invite you to choose a response that aligns with who you want to be.

A Step by Step Guide in Navigating Challenging Relationships:

Awareness

When someone behaves in an erratic way or makes a distressing comment, the initial step is to check in with yourself. Notice with curiosity and openness what your reactions are.

Ask yourself: What am I thinking? What am I feeling?

Take space and Emotional Processing

Creating distance from a triggering encounter is a critical step in promoting emotional regulation and balance. Emotional pain activates the same circuits in the brain as physical pain, so removing yourself from a charged interaction can be helpful in providing clarity and rationale. We tend to remember emotional pain more strongly than physical pain, which can lead to longer term sensitivity and higher dysregulation. In essence, in a persistently distressing or conflict-ridden relationship, even a lesser degree of distress can provoke and lead to dysregulation.

Ask yourself: What am I reacting to? What does this remind me of?

Boundaries

If you find yourself in consistently distressing relational dynamics with someone, it is important to establish effective boundaries to safeguard your wellbeing. Boundaries are a set of communicated intentions and expectations designed to foster relational safety and comfort. It’s crucial to remember that boundaries are an emotional treaty you make with yourself, not the other person. The responsibility lies with you to uphold and preserve these boundaries to help free yourself from unhelpful relational dynamics.

Ask yourself: What needs to change in this relationship to preserve and promote my wellbeing?

Effective Communication

Once you’ve returned to emotional neutrality, allowing yourself space for processing, and identifying the boundaries you’d like to establish in the relationship, the next step is communicating these boundaries directly and effectively to the other person. Be kind to yourself throughout this process, as effective communication may take consistency and patience. During this phase of living in alignment with your boundaries and intentions, it may be helpful to observe the relationship patterns over time to figure out whether or not this is a constructive or valuable relationship in your life.

Ask yourself: What needs do I get from this relationship? What would life look like if I didn’t have this relationship? What is my ideal relationship with this person? What am I prepared and not prepared to accept about this relationship?