The Importance of the Relational Context
In many of my sessions, a central theme is romantic relationships. Whether discussing a recent conflict, an unexpected date, a moment of intimacy or exploring aspects that may be lacking, these conversations form a significant part of our discussions.
Often with clients who talk about what they want or need from their partner, I’ll respond by saying, “If you want your partner to do X, what are you doing to facilitate that?” This emphasis on personal agency helps empower clients in reclaiming control over their relational dynamics and pursuing the fulfillment of their desires. I termed the effort put into facilitating what we want in our relationships – our relational context. This term refers to the active work and intentionality involved in shaping and fostering the relational dynamics we seek within our most beloved connections.
Creating a relational context that aligns with your needs is critical to building relational satisfaction and increasing emotional connection. For example, if you want your partner to show more love and affection, ask yourself what am I doing to facilitate a context that is conducive to receiving love and affection? Often, people fall into the trap of assuming their partner knows what they want or need, or testing their partner by acting paradoxically to see how he or she responds.
Below is a list of do’s and don’ts in increasing emotional connection by focusing on consistency between relational desires and actions.
Do’s
Identify and acknowledge your relational needs and desires.
What do you feel is lacking from the relationship? What do you need from your partner to increase connection?
Reflect on the role you have been playing in the relationship
Is it effective in meeting your needs?
Adjust your behavior to align with desired relational outcomes
Openly and directly communicate your feelings and experiences.
Validate your partner’s feelings, even if you don’t fully understand or agree with them.
Accept your partner for who they are, recognizing that being in the relationship is a choice.
Don’ts
Don’t assume that your partner knows what you want or need.
Avoid testing your partner by behaving contrary to your desires.
Refrain from suppressing or avoiding your feelings.
This may provide short-term relief but in the long-term it reinforces resentment and emotional distance.
Don’t interpret your partner’s desire for independence as a lack of love or care.
Key take away: align actions with desired outcomes, communicate openly, and collaborate to create a supportive relational context.
